Canned Corned Meat Pie

Canned Corned Meat Pie

Probably the easiest pie you will ever make.

Shuffling through the mountain of food that wasn’t pie my gaze settled upon an old canned favourite, corned meat.

My attention nearly turned to the baked beans in ham sauce when I had an epiphany. I remembered that my search through the freezer moments earlier revealed I had some puff and shortcrust pastry. Right there and then I knew it had to be done.

I was feeling, as usual, one day like I needed a pie for lunch. I went to the freezer to see if I had any frozen ones I could nuke in the microwave, but I was shit out of luck. Not really wanting to go through the effort of going down the street to buy one, I disappointingly went to the cupboard to see what other options I had for a quick bite.

  • I emptied the can to make it into a pie tin
  • took the label off so it wouldn’t burn
  • lined the tin with shortcrust pastry
  • put the meant back in the tin
  • covered with puff pastry
  • cooked in preheated oven for about 15-20 mins or until golden brown

GENIUS!

Juicy, and delicious, this would have to be the easiest meat pie I’ve ever made. But it filled the spot, and the best thing was there was no cleaning up, just turf the pie tin in the trash!

Give it a go. Let me know how you went, I’d like to see what choice of canned goodness you tried. Bon Appetit

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Bruschetta Bowl

One of my big fuck-offs with this so-called new age of gastronomy is the term ‘de-constructed’. Especially when the local pub or tavern has just undergone a reno and they’ve replaced the old cook Boris for some spritely go-getter chef to bring a little class to the place. And now I’m there wanting my usual greasy burger for lunch and this twat wants me to assemble the bastard myself? WTF! Plus charge me double and call the shit de-constructed!

Don’t get me wrong, there are amazing chefs out there that know the sophisticated art that is true food de-construction. Chefs that can pull apart the components of a classic dish and rearrange and present them in such a way that one can only look on in awe at the sheer wizardry it took to create it. You’re eating art.

When I order bruschetta as my starter at any one of my fave Italian restaurants, I often end up wishing I had of just ordered a tonne of it in a bowl with a 10 foot long crusty French baguette. Then I think, fuck I could have just ditched the need for scallopini stayed home and made it myself, and enjoyed it in front of the idiot box. And save $15.90.

So this is how it goes down when I’m at home. It’s not de-con, its merely just going heavy on the ingredients with a good loaf of bread and enjoying the vinegary, tangy, sweet, olive oily crusty party in my mouth.

This for me is one of those perfect snacks that hits a bullseye on all the flavour profiles in one bite, especially when I’m enjoying the footy.

Grab a bowl. Fill it. Devour it. Enjoy. Oh, and don’t forget the baguette!

You will need:

  • 2 Tomatoes chopped
  • 1/2 C pitted Kalamata Olives C
  • 1 small Spanish Onion diced
  • Extra Virgin Olive Oil
  • Balsamic Vinegar
  • Cracked Black Pepper
  • Maldon or Kosher Salt
  • a little lemon juice (optional)

Throw the tomatoes, olives and onion into a bowl season with a good pinch of salt and give it a toss, stir, mix, whatever. Add a splash of oil and a splodge of balsamic and mix again. Add pepper and check if more salt is needed. Let stand for a few minutes to get the flavours fusing. Grab the butter, tear apart the bread and dig in! Squeeze over some lemon if you’re in the mood.

PS. You can also add a little sugar or stevia at the beginning if desired. Play with the quantities and have fun with it.

Let me know how you go!

Luscious-est ever Strawberries & Cream

Luscious-est ever Strawberries & Cream

History is loaded with many great aphrodisiacs: Oysters, looking like Brad Pitt, Chocolate, being Brad Pitt or the never-fail, chloroform. But, one that comes close to topping them all would have to be the humble Strawberry.

Strawberries.. What’s not to love about them? Beautiful little heart shaped fruits, so sweet and juicy, kind of like natures nipples. Only you dont need these to be stuck on 2 pounds of fat to be attractive. They are the perfect nibble to entice a little horizontal tango. This recipe takes the standard strawberries and cream, adds balsamic vinegar and sugar and ramps it up to eleventy

I can tell you that when I first discovered this luscious eat, it went right into the wank bank of horndog recipes, ready at a moments notice to induce some leg opening action.

I like to serve this up with whipped cream or clotted cream and biscotti or Italian sponge fingers…

You’ll need:

Punnet of Strawberries
Caster Sugar (fine)
Balsamic Vinegar
Hot date or sure thing

Cut strawberries in half and place in bowl 
Sprinkle with a couple of tablespoons of sugar, enough to generously coat them 
Drizzle over balsamic till covered 
Mix and cover with cling film & refrigerate for at least 15 minutes

Serve and enjoy.. oh yeah, good luck!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

Marinated Green Lip Mussels

Marinated Green Lip Mussels

Sitting here writing down this recipe, I have to say, things here could seem a little X-rated. It’s not hard to understand why really. I mean there a food that resembles a woman’s genitalia more than the Kutai aka NZ Greenlip Mussel? Is there any coincidence the New Zealand Maori men are masters of the art of cunnilingus and hold sacred the revered NZ Green Lip Mussel? I think not. Just the way we eat the bloody things looks innuendo.

The resemblance to the womans playground doesnt end there. That little beard nestled between them beautiful thigh-like shells hiding away inside those plump, rich coloured muscle lips with a soft, fresh oceanic scent, sweet, salty euphoriously divine on the tongue. Part them lips and things become,,, well… as you can see, a little X-rated!

To make these you’ll need:
To go and get yourself a nice clean glass container, like the empty Moccona jar I have here
A glass bowl
A few kilo of Green Lip Mussels
Brown Vinegar
Sugar
Onions

1. Shell all the Mussels. No beards!
2. In the glass bowl pour a couple cups of vinegar and add enough sugar to get the right amount of acidity to sweetness
that you desire
3. Slice up a large onion or two medium ones and add to sweetened vinegar
4. Add Mussels and toss through lightly
5. Fill jar, seal and place in fridge and don’t touch for a few days. Show some restraint
6. Eat what doesn’t fit in jar
7. When the time cums, lather a thick bread stick hard with butter. Dig in and reward that heavy
appetite!

Watch How Its Made

Lamb Flaps

Lamb Flaps

 

Kiwi Love Affair

There’s no denying Kiwi’s love lamb. Especially the fattier cuts. As I entered my teens, like the old boys, I really developed a taste for flaps. Hot, salty, juicy, sweet… delicious. Once reserved for the Man of the house who would spend a hard day working on the pokies or gambling at the track, his reward for great effort should he have a win on the Gee Gee’s, would be that the woman would have her flaps ready for when he got home.

Nowadays, they’re available to everyone and they’re loved by all. A mate of mine reckons both his Mum’s are particularly fond of them. When I think of that, I always envisage that famous spaghetti scene in ‘Lady and the Tramp’ where the dogs are both eating the same noodle, only this time its two women chowing on each other’s flaps. They’re truly a hit with everyone! Actually, come to think of it, not so much my friend Sebastian, he’s a sausage and mayo kind of guy. He’s like a bloody hungry foie gras goose. Opens up, straight down the throat!

National Delicacy 

This cut of meat is regarded as a delicacy and deserves some special attention. Great results are all in the preparation and personally, I like to take the time to give the flaps a gentle massage, just nice and gently, a couple of fingers should do it. Sometimes you may need to get a thumb in there as well on the backside of the flaps. This will help relax the flaps to hold in the juices while they heat up.

Quality is key here, so source the best product you can, as the highest price will not necessarily guarantee the best produce. Yes, the best-looking flaps will, come given the higher price tag, look beautiful and clean, but almost always they will have little to no fat (which is what you need for best results) and in the end provide a very disappointing experience. Also, besides being expensive, the lean aesthetic flaps attract the health conscious and gym junkies.

TIP: Always check the cryovac packaging making sure the flaps arent all bloody in the packaging. Flaps swimming in a pool of blood means that you’ll end up with flaps that are tough and dry.

Cooking 

Remember, some cooking methods are different from others. I like to heat the flaps low and slow over a few hours, then turn the heat up for the last 20-30 mins really penetrating the heat into the flaps. They will swell a little at the start then shrink down a bit when cooked, but be careful when they’re hot those flaps can squirt at you. So when done don’t go touching them, just let them rest, That way you can ensure the meat will be tender and juicy, assuring you can pull your bone cleanly and easily out the flaps, which should be beautiful, soft and pink on the inside. When done right, the scent will be alluring.

Dad And Dick

A lot of the inspiration for this dish goes to my Dad’s mate Dick. Dad was Dick’s, right-hand man. Dick on the other hand, as far as Dick’s went was not big, but where he lacked in size he made up for in appetite, and I must say, it was insatiable! I swear he had hollow legs. He could eat and eat and eat flaps for ages, never coming up for breath you would have thought he could breathe through his ears! Man, if there were flaps anywhere in sight, Dick would be in there head first!  He will always be remembered for his grubby face constantly smeared with flap juice, saturating his chin, dripping down and staining his shirts, quite the grub. That was before he met Gina.                                                                                                                                                                                                                    When Dick met Gina he only had eyes for her and her flaps. They were the best he’d ever tasted. Very quickly, he wouldn’t so much as look at other flaps, even though Gina wouldn’t allow him to anyway. In the beginning, she would serve them up at least four times a week, he’d smash her flaps in every room of the house. But, once they got married, Gina pretty much stopped him eating her flaps. Dick was pissed. Gina wanted Dick to head down the healthier road and go to the gym, she didn’t want him to drop dead to be fair. Gina wanted a healthy, strong hard Dick to take care of her.  

Numero Uno                                       

One time I heard Dad and Dick arguing over who’s missus had the best flaps. One day Dick said to Dad “Bro my Gina has the best tasting flaps I’ve ever had, and you know I’ve tried just about everyone’s in this here town.” Dad simply reminded Dick that he had not tasted his wife’s flaps but Dad had tasted Dick’s. He reckons they’re an acquired taste. 

I will always have fond memories me and my brothers getting that fresh loaf of bread and dipping slice after slice into that hot fat when it came straight out of the oven.. mmmmmmm flaps and yeast.

Flaps 

MARINADE

1.5kg Lamb flaps Medium Onion 2 Star Anise 2 Chillies (med-hot) 1 tsp Thyme 1 tsp White pepper 1 tsp Rock Salt (Maldon Salt preferable) Extra Virgin Olive Oil Clove of Garlic Coca Cola Place ingredients into a baking dish except the salt, oil, and garlic clove.

  1. Place flaps on top, skin side up. Rub fat/skin with garlic clove. Massage the oil into the flaps, get your
    fingers in there, then salt.
  2. Pour Coke over flaps, cover with foil and place in the fridge for 6 hours or over night, 24 hours if possible.
  3. When marinated place in 150 deg oven till tender maybe 4-5 hours.
  4. Let them cool in their braising liquid and remove. When cooled place in fridge overnight.
  5. Remove excess fat.

SAUCE

Use about a handful of fresh mint, a small sprig of Rosemary, clove of Garlic slivered, Quarter Cup Mint Sauce, 125g Butter, Cream, Salt & Pepper, Sugar (optional) Blitz mint, rosemary, mint sauce and butter in food processor till smooth.

Transfer to fry pan and bring up to bubbling. Don’t boil. Reduce heat and simmer on low for a couple of minutes. Add a touch of cream. Season to taste. Reheat Lamb flaps however you desire as they should already be tender. Cook on hot bbq grill, hot oven, fry pan etc, until heated through.

If there is any bone in the flaps, bone should come out clean.

 

Pour warm creamy sauce all over the flaps. All there’s left to do is get your face in there! Enjoy

 

 

 

Beeramel

Beeramel

This caramel is not your conventional childhood sugary treat. As this one uses beer, it does impart a more robust flavour for those adults used to alcohol or for kids that live in areas like Lakemba, Frankston, or anywhere where the dole office is like the local church. The taste on the palate is comparable to most marriages I know. Starts off sweet, goes smooth for a bit and by the end becomes a little bitter. But rest easy, the bitterness in this is a good thing as according to Toohey’s Brewery Australia, TED’s is a “A highly refreshing dry lager with low bitterness and a light malt body”. So, there is no chance this sweet delight will turn that bitter that it takes your kids and uses them as pawns..

It’s origins were not born out of a love for beer. It was from my lust for sugar and all things caramel. I had a couple of Tooheys Extra Drys (TED’s) there in the electronic chill cupboard for a few months and one day I opened the fridge and it hit me, the can of beetroot fell off the top shelf and straight on to my ingrown toenail. Faaaarrrrrk! I needed something to take my mind off the pain. And as I looked up to the shelf where the beets once sat, there it was.. Alcohol!

I did what any red blooded, potentially morbidly obese male would do in a moment like this.. Take the beers and make caramel,,

Here’s what you’ll need:

700mls of TED’s beer (2 x stubbies)
500g sugar
1 tsp Vanilla Bean extract
Heavy cream

1 – Empty the beers into a pot, make it a decent size to avoid spillage from boiling.
2 – Bring to boil, avoid stirring and reduce temperature to allow for a gentle rolling bubble, like lava
making its way down the side of the volcano and into the meadow. Not a violent bubble, like lava
making its way down the side of the volcano and into the meadow, destroying every living thing that
stands in its way. After a couple of hours it will start to thicken.
3 – When it is able to stick to a metal spoon take it off the heat. Allow to cool for a bit before
adding the vanilla and cream.
4 – How much cream you add is up to you. I used about half of a cup to give it a smooth creaminess.
5 – I found that the little bitterness at the end subsided over the week it sat in the fridge. It did
get better and better.

Give it a shot. You wont be disappointed. This will not be my last foray into the beer-cross-caramel saga… This is BEERAMEL